Desperately Seeking a Needle of Wisdom in the Political Haystack

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I’m not so much intrigued by politics as I am about human nature and how each of us responds to political stimuli. It has been such an interesting, polarizing time unlike any I d72b94edf2301342a11b3361032ddcff1can remember in my adult voting life. At the onset, I used every opportunity to seek to understand both sides of most of the major issues – read the RNC platform, watched all of the main speakers at the convention,  read the DNC platform and listened to their speakers (probably a result of having a conservative Republican father and a liberal Democrat mother). I did this to “know myself”, find out what I really think, to discover what each party really stands for in their core issues and then find out what aligns with my values. Like many Americans, hubby and I watched the debates. Almost daily, we had discusswatching-news-online-300x1801ions with friends with differing opinions, we also gave equal time to FOX, CNN, CNBC and Bloomberg news as well as the Sunday morning political fare offered by those same networks.

Here are just a few things I observed and learned:

1. OBJECTIVITY is on the “endangered thinking” list and is as rare as finding a journalist who doesn’t interrupt and continually talk over someone who doesn’t agree with him or her.
2. FACTS stand no chance against our deeply entrenched filters which are based on emotional responses and run as deep as our flight or fight reflexes.
3. LISTENING with the intent to truly understand rather than to formulate our reply is a virtue all of us need to aspire to and improve upon.
4. TRIBALISM or group think/blind allegiance to one’s team can become a cancer on our society which feeds off of our individual egos and creates a safe haven for an “us and them” mentality, feelings of superiority, disdain for differing opinions and hypocrisy at its most disgusting, distasteful display.
5. HATE is not owned by any particular group, party, religion or race and the justification for vileness can be skewed to fit anyone’s particular ideology and rebranded as “justified retaliation” or “righteous indignation”.
6. LABELING one another, in my opinion, is intellectually lazy and socially irresponsible. But, apparently it is so much more “comfortable” to place others in perfectly constructed labeled boxes than it is to truly seek to understand, which of course, would force us to step outside of our own very comfy box.
7. POSITIVITY and hope are still available to us all no matter how dire a picture is being presented to us or is our actual perception – as always, we as individuals have to choose how we see the world, how we choose to interact with others and how we choose to LIVE our own lives.

So, I’ve decided based on these observations, from this day forward if I’m going to make a difference in the world, I must “be the change I want to see” in the world. Therefore, I am going to work hard on these things in my own life each and every day from this day forward and HOPE that my actions will serve to inspire others to learn, grow, expand, evolve, and ultimately LOVE!

 

The Joy Of “Spooning” . . .

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And How It Gets All “Forked” Up!

We had dinner, went to a concert and then walked through the park holding hands. Later that night we had our first romantic moment. I still remember that first kiss as if it happened yesterday. It was so sweet, soft and perfect. But that is not the moment that really sealed the deal for me. It came a couple of weeks after our first date.

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It was a very cool Fall morning, I remember I could see my breath when I walked to class. I couldn’t wait for lunch to come because the two of us had plans to meet at our favorite campus corner eatery. We ate our salads, held hands and made eyes at each other across the table. Then we both yawned. My classes were finished for the day, so I sleepily announced that I was going to go home and take a nap.  Hoping for a make out session, of course, Kev eagerly followed me home to “nap” with me. And then it happened. Fully dressed, not even under the covers…we snuggled for the first time. He wedged his warm body next to mine in the perfect spoon position. But, it is the crazy thing he did next that we still talk about to this day. He began to rock his foot back and forth . . .gently rocking me to sleep. I lifted my head up off the pillow and looked up at him in total amazement. “What? he said, in his confused “almost asleep” voice. I then joyfully proclaimed that I couldn’t believe he was rocking his foot because that is how I fell asleep every night. He was elated and very happy with himself. That was it! We were spooners…forever addicted to the sweet “ahhhhhhh” of spooning…or at least that’s what I had planned.

Mastering The Spoon

Over the next couple of decades, we took joy in attempting to master the art of spooning. Before children, we indulged in the “naked spoon”, a beautiful side by side, skin-to-skin human sculpture that required carefulspooning[1] placement of limbs, elbows and knees – with special  attention paid to those “sensitive” protruding body parts. Ah, the sweet agility of youth which made the nightly wedge so easy to achieve! In our twenties and thirties, our biggest decision before we fell asleep, was “who gets to spoon who” first.  And as all young adults do, we took it for granted that our nightly “snuggle-fests” would always be the way we would fall asleep . . .wrapped up in each other’s arms from lights out to sun up.

Age Happens

Fast forward thirty something years and here we are. The kids are grown up and live in different cities. We could run around naked 24/7 and no one would care now. But, somehow that just doesn’t seem as “cool” as it did when we both 21. The point is…we can if we want to! We still relish every night when we get to get in bed and snuggle…but our beloved “spoon” configuration has gotten a little contorted over the past few years. In fact, it has gotten totally “forked up”. Something happened between my 40th birthday and my 50th. My knees became extremely bony . . .as if they have zero padding covering the joint.

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So…that’s when pillow #1 joined our spoonage…placed perfectly – half between my knees and half between his. Not a big deal . . .his chest still close to my back and legs and feet carefully intertwined. Then my beloved was lifting weights and did something funky to his shoulder. Not cool! Now, introducing pillow # 2, a carefully placed flat selection that props his arm into just the right angle to keep his rotator cuff from screaming in pain. In the meantime, I had to purchase a therapeutic neck pillow to take care of my two pinched nerves in my neck. Trust me – there are no “sexy” neck support pillows on the market! They are thick, bulky and heavy, but a “must have” when you are suffering with cervical pain. So, the million dollar pillow under my head is so big, it makes it impossible to share our knee pillow. And now the man’s (once extremely athletically gifted and overused) knees are constantly a source of crunching noises and pain requiring a special pillow of their own. Of course we get crazy adventurous every now and then, and attempt once again to fall asleep in spooning position – our best attempt has been clocked at lasting (at max) five minutes before we recoil in pain and laughter, while simultaneously cursing (damn it my friggin shoulder) the perils of aging.

So there you have it . . .our once sleek, toned, beautifully unwrinkled “spoonable” bodies have reached the point of requiring 5 pillows between us to get a good night’s sleep. So what touches now? Our feet and toes are all that are left to freely find each other . . .think “fork” and you get the picture!

Consolation? Many nights we fall asleep holding hands, which is somewhat ironic. . .since that is the way this whole thing got started.

Sweet Dreams My Friends! ! And Happy Spooning!!!

INSOMNIA, 9/11 and LOVE

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The older I get, the alison sleepmore I struggle with insomnia. The more I struggle with insomnia, the more questions I have about everything. . .the universe, my place in it, God. . .the typical unknowns that no one has all the answers to.

In my most recent battle with the shut-eye, the minute my eyes opened I was roused with this well-known inspirational verse bouncing around in my brain. “And these three remain, faith, hope and love . . .and the greatest of these is love”. Really brain? Ok, I’m game..let’s do this. So I’m pretty sure I’ve got a significant grip on what “faith” is. Spiritually speaking, faith is belief in things not seen which are based on an inner revelation rather than physical proof. “Hope” seems pretty straight forward. . .to wait expectantly for a certain outcome. Then comes the big one, the one that remains, outlasts hope and faith . . .the one thing most of us desire to have in our lives more than wealth, wisdom or fame . . .”LOVE”.

It is difficult for me to slap a one liner definition on the end of love. What is love? I know how I “feel” inside when I love someone. I know how I feel when someone loves me. I also find it rather easy to point out what love isn’t. If love is one thing, I’m sure that it could be defined as “selfless”. When we truly love someone and they are needy or hurting, we give of ourselves without any consideration for our own needs or wants. In my opinion, love is always an action verb, otherwise it is just another word in a poem that rhymes with ‘above’.

After pondering that love is the greatest thing we could aspire to, my thoughts went to another verse that expounds even further on the importance of love. “If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.” Wow! Now that is some serious sacrifice. I could give everything I own away to the homeless man on the corner, but if I don’t have love, I have ZIP. Even more seriously, I could be burned as a martyr for my own beliefs . . .but if I go up in flames while hating my neighbor, I’ve missed the boat and my sacrifice is meaningless. That is heavy.

And then the epiphany . . .

I immediately began to think about the biggest modern-day example of such a martyrdom. On 9/11, nineteen hijackers boarded U.S. airplanes. Each hijacker had tremendous faith in Allah, the one they call the one true God, the one they prayed to every day since they had been taught to recite the Koran. Even with such great faith, no doubt, their faith was equally matched and perhaps surpassed by their hope for great reward in the after life. The verse sprang to life for me. This is a picture on a very grand scale. Easy to recognize because of the enormity of the crime and the obvious evil associated with the deed. Faith? Yes. Hope? Definitely, yes. Love? Their hearts were so blinded by hatred for you and me, and every other American, including their Muslim brothers and sisters who were working in the towers that day, that they gave up EVERYTHING …for NOTHING!

So, what is there for me to learn from this middle of the night interruption to my much-needed beauty sleep? If I have a lot of faith and hope…who benefits? It seems that both of these are more for the edifying of one’s self. If my friend is depressed and really needs me to spend time with her, the fact that I have hope and faith are not really helpful to her in that instance. She needs action . . .she needs my love, displayed by showing up, hanging out and listening and holding her hand.

I also realize that when someone tells me how awesome the sermon was last Sunday but in the very next breath tells me how they absolutely hate the President of the United States or how they can’156431_4055687387395_648010028_n[1]t stand their sister and never talk to her anymore…etc., I immediately feel a disconnect. It seems so inconsistent to me, therefore I have a hard time respecting anything else they have to say. Once again, I grapple with this question. If faith and hope are not completely enveloped in love, then what purpose do they serve? Apparently, a whole lot of nada.

After tossing and turning for over an hour, my mind was finally able to rest with a fresh respect for the beauty in the truth of  “. . .and the greatest of these is LOVE.”

“Growing” Against the Grain

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obama%20romney%20debate%202%20btPerhaps there is no better environment than that of a presidential election year to spark debate, highlight diversity of opinion and emphasize how people can watch and listen to the same conversation and walk away with completely different takes. After watching the second debate, followed by flipping back and forth between CNN and FOX news, perusing the sometimes anger-filled posts on Facebook, eavesdropping on people’s conversations in restaurants and having many conversations of my own, a huge question arose during “morning coffee talk time” with my husband (one of our favorite new soul-exploration rituals).

Question ? ?

So, why is it that we humans often have a riimagesCANME831se in blood pressure, turn red in the face and have our emotional state get so riled – even to the point of anger – over someone else simply having a different opinion than ours? What is that? I asked this because I realized over the last year, I had observed this type of reaction over and over again around me, while at the same time, I became surprisingly aware that there was a quiet calm inside of me..a non-reaction, if you will, that I really didn’t understand. In the past, I could feel my temperature rise and my “blood boil” so to speak, when just listening to a Sunday morning panel on CNN. But suddenly for the first time in my 53 years on the planet, I felt like, in certain moments of awareness, I could discuss any topic with anyone without feeling threatened, anxious or defiant. Weird, but incredibly freeing. (By the way, let me be clear, I am only referring to situations where different opinions are being expressed – not when someone is being completely disrespectful, rude or degrading…obviously there are times when measured reactions are warranted.) How did that happen? Kev pointed out that for quite some time we had actually been watching certain news shows for the sole (and soul) purpose of making ourselves uncomfortable. If Michael Moore or Donald Trump, or anyone who saw things way differently than we do,  was on a rant on CNN and my finger was itching to quickly change the channel…we both would say, “NO”…let’s do this! So, we purposely chose to go against our grain…over and over again.

This was a HUGE change from our habits of only a couple of years ago, when we listened only to those talking heads who mainly agreed with our ideology and underscored our way of thinking. Kev said it was like taking sandpaper to the soul…But, even though we had both been exercising ourselves in this manner, we still did not have a good answer for this question. WHY? Why do some people literally hate every word that comes out of Obama’s mouth and the same held true when Bush was in office. I did not understand it then and I don’t now. So again, I ask .. .

 Why is it so difficult to find balanced opinions and insightful, enlightened observations…but very easy to observe venomous, emotionally charged visceral reactions in the political and religious arena? These type of intellectual shouting matches daily bombard newscasts and radio talk shows – complete with name calling and demeaning “you’re such a moron” implications. So why so much bombastic bloviating versus gracious listening seasoned with rational, educated responses?

As I stated in my last blog post “Reflections and Revelations”, the pursuit of intellectual honesty has led me to a place of self-discovery which has resulted in new found freedom and a deeper sense of peace. Which is what I attributed to this welcomed state of not getting riled when others disagreed with me or vice versa. But there is something more…much deeper and more profound.

I posed the same question I have asked here, to an entire class full of women last week. After the class, one of my students told me I needed to read “A New Earth” Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose by Eckhart Tolle.  I immediately went out and bought it. Like reading “The Road Less Traveled” for the first time, every word and paragraph jumps off the page and solidifies what I have been experiencing in the last few years. Within just a few chapters, Tolle addresses the very issue in detail that I had been asking myself, my spouse and my friends. Let me share with you . . .

“There is nothing that strengthens the ego more than being right. Being right is identification with a mental position-a perspective, an opinion a judgment, a story. For you to be right, of course, you need someone else to be wrong, and so the ego loves to make wrong in order to be right. In other words: You need to make others wrong in order to get a stronger sense of who you are. Being right places you in a position of imagined moral superiority in relation to the person who is being judged or found wanting.”

Ahh, now we’re getting somewhere.

“Every ego confuses opinions and viewpoints with fact. Every ego is a master of selective perception and distorted interpretation. Only through awareness-not through thinking-can you differentiate between fact and opinion.” Beyond the realm of simple and verifiable facts, the certainty that “I am right and you are wrong” is a dangerous thing in personal relationships as well as in interactions between nations, tribes, religions and so on.

 …once you identify the ego for what it is: a collective dysfunction, the insanity of the human mind . . .you no longer misperceive it as somebody’s identity. Once you see the ego for what it is, it becomes much easier to remain nonreactive toward it. You don’t take it personally anymore. There is no complaining, blaming, accusing, or making wrong. . .compassion arises when you recognize that all are suffering from the same sickness of the mind, some more acutely than others. You do not fuel the drama anymore that is a part of all egoic relationships. What is its fuel? REACTIVITY! The ego thrives on it.

And WOW… discovery and enlightenment, and a few more layers of the onion are peeled back. All of this makes so much sense to me. Little by little, situation by situation, unknowingly it seems I have slowly been separating “who I am” from “what I think”. Therefore, when I am in that state of clarity, I am not threatened by your opinions – in fact, I love to hear them, especially if they are different from mine because it is just another opportunity for me to expand myself. It is an exercise I must do if I am going to truly serve and love those I am so connected with. If I truly care about you, and want to love you, I must find a way to enter in to where you are . . .ego plays no part in this type of interaction. It wasn’t very long ago I would have labeled myself a certain way (politically and religious beliefs) – which upon definition may close me off from spiritual connection with those who view the world differently. Today? The only label I can come up with is explorationist. Which apparently is a new word . . .how fitting!

Reflections & Revelations

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For several months now, I’ve been desiring to get back to my blog. It wasn’t so much that I lost the inspiration to write, it was more about other endeavors getting in the way. So, here in the last few hours of 2012, I have decided it would be a good time to express my thoughts and hopefully inspire moments of230465_1076004257179_3199_n[1] reflections and revelations.

REFLECTIONS

Like most of you, my year was filled with a mixture of blessings, sorrows and celebrations. I derived much joy from my daily interactions with the wonderful people who take my exercise classes or have me as a personal trainer. Getting to help others stay fit and healthy while at the same time strengthening my own body is a privilege I greatly treasure. I amballean dvd surrounded by amazing, strong, inspirational women! This year, I was able to share my passion for exercise with the release of my new Ballean DVD. The response has been equally overwhelming and humbling. Definitely a check in the blessing category!

In August, my husband and I tearfully said goodbye to our oldest child Joel, who moved to Austin. Whilekev and joel we were both so excited for his new adventures in Texas, we were sad for ourselves and the simple joys we would miss – hanging out with him on the deck on Sundays…or just meeting him uptown for lunch…or stopping in for a drink when he was bartending at Aria. Our times with Joel are always filled with stimulating conversation, plenty of laughter and lots of hugs. I think I miss the hugs the most.

My daughter Kara and her husband Shaun celebrated one year of marriage, while we celebrated 32. Interestingly enough, we still work as hard on our relationship now as we did that first year. The cool thing is after many conversations with our daughter over the last year, it has become very cle374157_1758961179153_960237205_n[1]ar she is WAY ahead of the game than we were in that first year. So excited for them and the journey they have chosen to take together…like me, she married her best friend and the love of her life, who can sometimes be a pain in the ass but who makes her laugh her butt off every day!  In my opinion, probably as good as it gets.

REVELATIONS

Alas, this  year of apocalyptic prophesies has been filled with many “revelations” for me.  As you know if you interact with me or read my blog, I am constantly evaluating the human condition, my own life and the world around me. One lifelong goal that I share with my spouse, and probably many of you,  is to always be evolving as a human being. For me that translates into examining my internal maps and filters, my fears and phobias and all that makes me tick. It is a daunting task that requires intellectual honesty and the ability to take personal responsibility for my current state of being…spiritual, emotional and physical.

Unshackled and unfettered. . .the truth shall set you free! In the glorious year of 2012, I made a wonderful discovery. Upon taking a very deep look into myself – my thoughts…motivations…desire to seek truth and the meaning of life – I came to a place called “honesty”. In this place, there is no room for self-deception, fairy tales,  victimization and blame. I am who I am at this point in life because of the daily choices I have made. Ahhh…the sweet feeling of chains falling off my soul. The sound was so loud and triumphant, I was sure all the neighbors could hear them clanging on my hardwood floors.

SPIRITUALLY -What do I really know? In relation to the mysteries and enormity of the universe…not a whole hell of a lot. As far as my soul goes, when I am serving others…I am the most peaceful, content and fulfilled.  EMOTIONALLY -What do I value? Personal relationships more than stuff and the feeling that I am valued and respected especially by my spouse. PHYSICALLY – Why did I suddenly find myself 15 pounds heavier on the scale? This one took a little more time…I so wanted to blame it on hormones, menopause…anything DOC please? But NO…the truth was I was eating more calories, especially carbs, than I was burning off. The scale offers a real fun dance with reality – kind of hard to lie to yourself when you are “butt naked” staring down at a number that defies your driver’s license stats. And the truth shall set you free…of about 15 pounds of excess baggage in my case.

So, here I am writing my blog and once again examining and baring my soul in hopes to not only enlighten myself but also with the deepest hope and desire that through my explorations, you might be inspired to find yourself as well.

I am looking forward to all your comments, questions and suggestions in 2013.

Happy New Year…LuvYa!! 

Hating the Big “D” Word

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. . .And I Don’t Mean Dallas

I hate DIVORCE. Most likely my visceral reaction to the “D” word is because I continue to view it through a broken-hearted five-year old’s eyes. The scene is still so vivid in my mind. My mom sat next to me on the couch with her arm draped lovingly over my shoulders. My dad stood and faced us as they began to explain to me that daddy would no longer be living with us. I was my daddy’s baby girl. He was the lap I ran to when I wanted to feel safe, loved and warm…the neck I flung my arms around when I needed to express my own emotions of love. That day, my world was shattered and my heart was broken, just like my family circle.

When it was time for me to get married, I had already witnessed three additional divorces in my immediate family. Some more painful for me to watch and more difficult to understand than others…but each time I felt a sense of loss. As my wedding day drew closer, my inner turmoil grew stronger. I had no doubts at all about how I felt about my fiance, but I did have fears about my familial track record on marriage…was I doomed to end up in divorce just like everyone around me? Of course, one look in my husband’s eyes always made me feel confident that we could weather any storm together.

Now, here I am 32 years into my marriage relationship and unfortunately,  I’ve watched the “D” monster rear its ugly head time and time again splintering the lives of close friends and family members. Last week, when I asked a friend of mine about a mutual girlfriend I hadn’t seen in a while..she said, “Oh, haven’t you heard? Julia and her husband filed for divorce. . .she is really going through hell right now.” Bummer…another family torn apart, a little piece of my heart breaks again. In my little cul-de-sac, two couples broke up over the last year..both with young children who are now being raised primarily by one parent. I watch two of the children as they play, I see the change in their spirit…their once lighthearted play is now hampered by an invisible weight hanging on their conflicted souls. . .mommy is now just a visitor. Another tear falls.

Why? Why is it so difficult for couples to make it work? I wonder how the break down all begins. Everyone starts the same…fall in love, get married, have children. . .etc. So why do those precious marriage vows lose their significance so quickly in many cases? It occurs to me that as parents, we would never consider divorcing our children when they are unreasonable or difficult to live with. On the contrary, we do everything we can to nurture and mend the relationship. So why is there such a double standard in the way we approach the one we promised our heart to…to love, honor and cherish? I am convinced that many times priorities switch as soon as children are brought into the equation. New moms put all their energy into their young child and often have very little left for their spouse at the end of the day. Most men’s love language is very monosyllabic. . .as in “sex”. They feel loved when they are sexually gratified. Their egos, as well as their emotional well-being can take a pretty big hit when they are constantly rebuffed in the bedroom.

We women are looking for gestures of love, little things that let us know they really care…bathing the baby, emptying the dishwasher, picking up a meal for dinner (without being asked)…can completely change our day and melt our heart, making us much more receptive at the end the day for a little love romp. So once again, it all comes back to good communication. People have to learn to tell each other what they need! I wonder why that is so difficult?

Obviously, there are marriages where outside influences such as alcoholism, drug use or abuse slowly destroy the relationship and leave little options for the non-offending spouse. Sadly, in those cases, sometimes divorce is the only option for physical well-being and peace of mind.

So, what can I do? How can I make a difference? I try to always be available to lend an ear and truly listen when others are in turmoil. I can offer advice from lessons I’ve learned when someone asks for it. And, I can continue to offer up my thoughts in writing on LuvYa.com. If even just one person gets a little help or encouragement from my words, every minute spent in front of the computer will have been worth it. And finally, I can love my husband unconditionally and lead by example.

Spring Awakening

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 Beauty Beyond the Traditions. . .

During this wonderful time of the year, I find myself being thankful for a multitude of blessings. Every morning when I open the shutters it seems there is another colorful blossom to greet me. Although my nasal passages do not approve of the seasonal delights, my other senses are overjoyed. My husband and I have been taking great joy in the brightly colored cardinal who has been frolicking outside our office window. Soon after our cherry tree released its pink blossoms to float like pink snow to the ground, the white azaleas that line our front and backyard bloomed overnight. Spring in Charlotte, is definitely a sight to behold.

April not only ushers in a time of beautiful flowers and lush green grass, but a time of spiritual renewal and reflection. It is at this time of year that I become especially thankful for the diversity of my friendships and the blessing I receive from viewing this most holy week from two different perspectives. Leading up to Passover, my Jewish friends are busy preparing for company, bringing out special plates and cookware, cooking flourless cakes, making matzoh balls and many other Kosher delights, while setting the stage to reenact a tradition celebrated for thousands of years. In fact, the very same tradition that Jesus, as an observant Jew, repeated at the Last Supper in the upper room.

Fortunately, and much to my delight, my Jewish friends have invited me several times to enjoy this amazing feast and celebration. For me, a protestant Christian girl from Oklahoma, having the opportunity to enjoy Passover has made the Old Testament story of the exodus from Egypt leap off the pages (kind of like the difference between seeing a movie in black and white on an 18 inch TV versus viewing it in 3D in an IMAX theater.) Before this experience, my view was more aligned with Cecil B. DeMille’s hollywood version depicted in the motion picture epic “The Ten Commandments.”  Experiencing the “several thousand-year old” live version, has been much more impactful and spiritually moving.

When I was a little girl (brought up in a non-religious home) this particular weekend was all about that magical morning when I would awaken to find what the Easter bunny had left me. Of course the jelly beans and chocolate bunny propped upon the green crinkled grass delighted me, but it was the stuffed soft furry animal that accompanied the basket that brought me the most joy. As I grew up and began to seek for truth and develop a strong desire to know God, Easter took on a different meaning. I was only about eight years old the first time I saw the movie “The Robe”. In the movie, as Jesus was being nailed to the cross and the Roman guard was gripping his scarlet robe in his arms, my heart was aching causing my eyes to release rivers of guilt and sorrow. Traumatic and emotionally jarring as the scene was to my young psyche, the truth was, the message gripped my soul and I remember at that moment, I was forever changed.

Today, my spiritual journey has taken me to an unexpected place of peace and love not ever captured on the big screen or outlined in a few verses of Times New Roman text. Converging two different worlds of man’s story of who God is and all that concept entails, has reduced me to a single human emotion. . .love. . .and for that, once again, I am truly thankful.

Happy Spring Awakening to all of you!

I

The Gift

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Red and Yellow, Black and White. . .We Are Precious in His Sight

We all feel blessed when we recognize our parents passed on their wonderful talents and gifts through their DNA, such as the ability to create beautiful art, sing an aria, perform amazing athletic feats or to solve intricate mathematical equations. But one gift I am especially thankful for was not part of my genetic make-up, but rather a gift my mother gave me – unknowingly, by her life example.

When I was ten years old, my mom moved our family to a very small rural town in Oklahoma. It was the summer of 1969 and although the schools had been integrated, the town itself was still segregated by law. Black residents were not allowed to live on the north side of the train tracks, forcing them to exist in a part of the city which had no indoor plumbing or running tap water. Soon after we arrived, my mother landed a job at the hospital as a purchasing agent. After a few short weeks, she became close friends with a co-worker in her office. Her name was Cora, she was a single mother of a little boy. . .she lived with her parents and several other family members in a little three room house on the south side of the tracks. My mom’s best friend was black, and even though it was 1969 and she had a good job with good pay at the hospital, she was not allowed (at that time) to be our neighbor and enjoy a simple thing like an indoor toilet.

That summer between my 5th and 6th grade year, as well as the next, Cora’s mother offered to take care of me while my mom worked full-time. My days were filled with chasing chickens around the yard, learning how to dance (soul-train style) and doing typical kid stuff (playing tag and hide and seek). I remember the first time I had to use the outhouse – I pinched my nose together with my thumb and index finger and looked around at the four wooden walls. Light was streaming in through cracks and holes – time and weather had left – in the gray wood slats. I prayed no peeking eyes were staring in at me. As soon as I was finished with my business, I pushed the door open and ran out to play with my new friends. . .quickly forgetting the unpleasant odor, no trauma or anxiety, just childish acceptance of my new surroundings (amazing how the world looks through a child’s eyes). Although my presence was certainly a spectacle in the neighborhood, I was never made to feel different or like I stood out (which I definitely did). I became part of the family…and I have wonderful memories from that time in my life. Early in the 70’s, the city managers finally passed a new (much belated) law allowing anyone, regardless of race, to live wherever they wanted. Cora, and her sister, moved into a lovely, new apartment just down the street from us. My mother was elated.

Later in life, I realized my mother had given me a unique and precious gift that would stay with me for the rest of my life . . .the gift of color blindness. As I entered into adolescence and adulthood, the gift would not only serve to broaden my horizons and social outlook, but would actually blossom into a rather quirky personality characteristic – I possess a stalker-like attraction to anyone from a different country, who has a unique accent, different language, culture or religious background. Early in our marriage, my husband worked for a Dutch company, so I studied Dutch for several years. Much to my amazement, I was able to converse with some of the wives when they came to the United States. Now he works for an Italian company, so I have spent many hours listening to “How To Speak Italian” CD’s while driving in my car . . “come stai, molto bene, grazie!”

Fortuitously, my job as a fitness instructor has allowed me to interact with people from all over the world – which for me, is so friggin cool! Just two weeks ago, I had three ladies from Russia, two ladies from Japan and two from Israel in one class – truly fantastic. My class – which is done in a circle – is just a small representation of our world today. I feel so incredibly fortunate to work in an environment where my so-called “box” is daily expanded. If I had not been given the gift at such an early age, perhaps I would be striving hard to pull them into my narrow space, but because my mom was a very open-minded, accepting person, I find myself enveloped in a world of nuance, cultural beauty and colorful celebration. Now, it is up to me and the rest of us, to make sure this type of societal color blindness,  is passed on to our children. For this gift I have to say…merci, grazie, gracias, spasibo, danke and finally, THANK YOU!! 

Opposites In Love

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According to Myers-Briggs personality assessments, I am an ESFP, whereas my beloved is an INTJ. Which means, we are about as opposite as two personality types can be (underscoring the familiar saying “opposites attract”). By the way, we did not have to take a personality test to discover this about ourselves…after a few dates, it was pretty obvious. ESFP stands for extraversion, sensing, feeling and perception, the single word used to describe this personality type is “Entertainer”. INTJ stands for introversion, intuition, thinking, judgement – Myers-Briggs gives this personality type the title of “Scientist”. When we met, Kev was playing around with test tubes working on his degree in Chemistry while I  was playing the piano and singing, working on my degree in Music (in addition to performing on stage on a regular basis in a touring opera company.) Scary..isn’t it?

In addition to our polar opposite genetics, we came from drastically different family environments. My husband was raised by parents whose style of parenting tended to be controlling, subsequently, he often felt that perfection was demanded of him. This left my husband with very low self-esteem as a young adult. On the other hand, I was raised by my divorced mother, who I’m pretty sure didn’t have the word “structure” in her vocabulary. My mother also struggled with bipolar disorder her entire adulthood and my father (who I only lived with for half of my Junior year in high school) was a functioning alcoholic. In spite of her own inner turmoil, my mother worked hard to instill a strong sense of self and taught me to be an independent thinker.  The result? My husband came into the marriage “compelled to control”, and even though it took me several years to discover it…because of my unstable childhood, I was compelled to accommodate and enable him. Fortunately, Kev’s desire to control was overwhelmingly dwarfed by his overriding desire to change, grow and have a loving, thriving relationship.

I laugh to myself when I think back at how many times he said, “you have to tell me when I’m being an ass…I’m a selfish pig-man, I need your help…etc.” As funny as that statement was, it didn’t change the fact that I had to work very hard at learning how to “speak up” in the moment when I felt offended, as opposed to my habit of burying it deeply, only to have it erupt later with very little provocation. Through the years, and after hours and hours of sometimes tear-filled discussions, we both evolved and learned how to interact with one another knowing each other’s expectations and areas of hyper-sensitivity. Funny how it is that such shallow tears always seem to lead to deeper waters.

The intriguing thing is, amidst all of our opposite personality characteristics, we have always shared so many similar interests. We have virtually the same sense of humor (Airplane, Austin Powers, Seinfeld, Modern Family at the top of our entertainment humor list), we both love sports, enjoy jigsaw puzzles and playing board games – and as of late – Texas Hold-em. Spiritually we have always been on the same page, which ultimately, I believe has been the glue that has held us together through thick and thin.

So, after all these years of navigating the turbulent waters of life together, this ESFP and my sweet INTJ, have morphed into something altogether different from the narrowly defined “Entertainer” and “Scientist”. In fact, if we both sat down and took the Myers-Briggs personality assessment today, I’m pretty sure the outcome would be totally different. I know he has helped me become a much more intuitive and thinking person, and he definitely attributes his noticeable change in social skills to hanging out with me.

No doubt opposites do attract, but as I have discovered, it is truly the areas you enjoy together that will help your relationship stand the test of time.

Love, Choice – The Paradigm Shift

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First Comes Lust

Most likely, whether you believe in love at first sight or not, is largely based on your own personal experience with love and romance. Actually, the whole idea is sort of a misnomer…because if anything, everyone knows we fall “in lust” at first sight. In other words, when pheromones and physical attraction collide, infatuation happens and we humans have labeled that phenomenon – “love at first sight.”

It is this potent mixture that makes us want to be together with the object of our affection..over and over again. Intoxicating and addictive, that crazy infatuation hormonal rush offers the same effect as any drug, a lover’s high, if you will. Then, as fate would have it, occasionally lightning strikes during the lust-filled stage and something mystical happens. Next thing you know, you wake up one day to find yourself deeply in love.

Then Comes Love

This “love awakening” happened to my husband and me over 30 years ago, and not too long after our first kiss. Our connection was quick, deep and spiritual. At this point, we had no choice, no earth-shaking decisions…no, “I don’t know…is he/she really the one?”  This whole idea is such a foreign concept to the both of us. We have always told our kids and our single friends who are struggling in relationships, “if you are asking yourself that question before you say “I do”, you already have your answer.”  When you have met your soul-mate, the one you intend to spend the rest of your life with…there are no dangling doubts and bewildering questions about your choice. You can’t help yourself! You have to be together.  In our case, it was actually painful to be apart (and still is today).  So, our reason for getting married at only 20 years old, wasn’t necessarily a decision based on logic, perfect circumstances and financial planning  – we got married because we couldn’t bear to spend one more day (well, more specifically, one more night) apart.  Indeed… compelled by love – we had NO choice.

Then Comes Marriage . . .and the Baby Carriage

After we tied the proverbial knot, “life” as they say, slowly turned that “take your breath away” high into a comfortable steady state of companionship. In my experience, it’s not that the sexual attraction wanes, but rather the intensity of lustful desire that changes. Because honestly, that type of amped-up sexual frenzy is totally related to “newness”.  No doubt there is a honeymoon phase, but no matter how long it lasts, the “newness” inevitably wears off.

Then. . .The Paradigm Shift

Somewhere between falling head over heels in love and taking your firstborn home from the hospital, a paradigm shift takes place. Love is no longer an all-consuming emotion that compels you to do crazy things. In fact, the powerful force that caused you to leave and cleave, quickly becomes a daily, perhaps even a moment by moment decision you make. Love becomes a CHOICE.

Currently, for us, “choosing” translates into a multi-layered plan of action. Firstly, we work hard to speak to one another with a tone of respect. This one – especially in a heated conversation – takes lots of practice. It is so easy to drift into a habit of speaking to one another in annoying, demeaning tones – especially if there are a lot of unaddressed issues. Years ago during a particularly emotion-filled argument, I pointed out to my husband that he would never even think of talking to his boss or coworkers the way he was talking to me – his wife – the one he should love more than anyone. He was stunned with the truth of that statement. He agreed and apologized. Obviously, I also had to be reminded of that “truth” as well many times over our 32 year marriage.  Through the years, we have both been known to say, “Excuse me…but I’m not so sure you want to be speaking to me that way, start over again, and I will be more open to hear what you have to say.”

In addition to checking our tone, we have pro-actively declared war on “hot buttons”.  Hot buttons are those pesky – relationship destroying – unaddressed issues I referred to earlier. It has taken us years to identify our hot buttons. Interestingly enough, many of them are related to childhood stuff that we brought into the marriage. For example, the perception that I am not being respected or heard (youngest of three), can send me into a tizzy.  My husband’s number one hot button is related to self deception…if he thinks that in any way I am not being honest with myself in a situation, he basically loses all patience and goes into relentless, detailed “talk-it-out” mode. Both of these hot buttons relate to “perceived injustices” we experienced growing up.  Choosing to love, has meant identifying all of our hot buttons and then doing the work necessary to get rid of them.

Putting things into proper perspective is another “choice” lesson we have learned along the way. For example, is loading the dishwasher the “right way” really more important than loving your spouse in that moment? Do those little stupid things warrant ridicule, criticism and using that “you’re such an idiot” tone of voice? Honestly, do you actually want to elevate your idea of how things should be done above nurturing feelings of love and respect? If each of us took a second to evaluate the situation…of course we would all answer no. Laid back personalities don’t really struggle too much with this one, but controlling, perfectionists have a tougher time, but with a little help, a lot of reminders and much practice. . .proper perspective can be obtained.

On a positive note, speaking words of love throughout the day is definitely a prudent choice, in addition to remembering the three magic words (you so avidly teach your children). . .please, thank you and I’m sorry.  After 32+ years of working at this love thing…my hubby and I both agree that in order to truly cherish one another and keep passion in our marriage, we must remain diligent to “choose” to love one another in all situations.

So, is love a choice? In the beginning, when it hits you like a ton of bricks, not so much. But after the novelty fades away, in order to have a thriving relationship, filled with love and respect that will endure and last a lifetime – most definitely!