Some of us seek for answers out there, up there, anywhere but in here. We look for signs from up above hoping to find a path to love and true happiness. We want a quick fix, a helpful guide book, 5 top tips and “how to” hacks. But while we persist, we often resist the very thing that is and has always been the path to wholeness and mental well being.

Think of it like this: all of us love a shiny new car, we love to polish and shine the exterior, we love to take a spin around the neighborhood to share our excitement. But when it breaks down on the road, we don’t sit there and hope for a miracle – to fix it, we are forced to look under the hood.

Everything we need to live our best lives and to truly be happy in our own skin – is found under the hood. We must be willing to look inside, to explore our thoughts, motivations,  perceptions and beliefs. To get clarity, we must be willing to be vulnerable enough to sit quietly with our own thoughts, without distracting input from outside voices.

While helpful insights and other’s revelations may spark a sense of curiosity and desire to change – true transformation is exclusively an inside job. No one can make you change anything about yourself until you internalize it and have your own revelatory aha or come to Jesus moment.

Ironically, it is that very thing “fear of being introspective” that often hinders us from being freed from anxiety, self doubt, negative internal dialogues and all other causes of unhappiness and dissatisfaction. Some people are so scared of what they will find, they find it easier and safer to project negativity onto others than to reflect and deal with their own broken parts.

Desire to change is lifting the hood. Awareness is inspecting all the parts of your internal engine. Clarity is accepting the faulty wiring. Choosing is the elbow grease required to do the necessary work to get the engine running smoothly. Gratitude is turning the key with a fresh, new perspective: it’s not the showroom polished exterior that makes you happy – it is the confidence in your well-oiled machine that makes the journey much more fulfilling and enjoyable.  Freedom is the wide-open road ahead offering fearless exploration of your deepest self, trusting your own built-in navigation to make this life experience an amazing adventure. Here’s to Happy Trails!

There are a lot of things I’m not particularly fond of these days. But one of the main ‘not so great’ trends is the incessant need to group and label one another. The constant use of “they” and “them” is so damaging to our collective psyche and yet every night on news talk shows this is the pervasive narrative.

“Those people are destroying America, they have an agenda, they hate your way of life and honestly they hate America.” This is a narrative that is being peddled every single day.

I don’t know about you, but I am not part of a “they.” And honestly when I connect and engage with people as individuals, I discover most people gravitate towards the middle and don’t want to be boxed in. And while someone may align with a particular ideology more than another, with deeper investigation it seems most us us have no desire to be radical anything.

So who are the “they”? I guess if you are to follow the logic of the group and label mentality – “they” are the collective fringes of our society. They are the radicalized folks who find their identity and safety in a group mentality. “They” are people with an agenda which is counter to everything you supposedly believe and stand for.

As the divisive narratives go: “They” are the crazy far left liberals who want to have open borders and take your guns away and replace all fossil fuels with renewable energy sources or “They” are the insane far right conservatives who are racist and homophobic and want America to be white, right and Christian. These are the two extreme narratives.

After watching a documentary last night on white supremacist groups spreading like wildfire a message of hate towards Jews, blacks and anyone who isn’t white – I realized once again how dangerous and destructive a labeling narrative can be. It is truly scary how potent this message is for those who feel their way of life is under siege. Their mantra being “we won’t be replaced.”

We all fall prey to this desire. It is built into our DNA to gather into groups for social interaction as well as for built-in protection which larger numbers provide when facing an enemy.

But we aren’t fighting off tigers and lions anymore. Our biggest enemy today in America is a created one, a false narrative which fuels a mindset of hatred towards “they and them”. Those people are out to get us – those people who don’t look like me or speak like me, they are the enemy. Those people with brown skin who don’t pray like me – they are my mortal enemy. Those people who don’t want what I want or think like I think – they are the ones who make me feel like my way of life is under siege.

This is where we are. And honestly, this is where we always have been. It is only when the non-reactive, logical, calm and clear minded “greater good” independent thinkers stand up and reclaim a different narrative; that things change for the better.

It is going to require our voices, the normally introspective and peaceful personalities to begin to be the loudest voice in the room. Rational minds must prevail. As of October 2017, Gallup polling found that 31% of Americans identified as Democrat, 24% identified as Republican, and 42% as Independent.

The 42% must speak up. The silent majority MUST NOT remain silent any longer. We must be willing to connect with people who dominate the conversations on the radical right and left. We must be willing to educate with logic, statistics, facts and non-emotion based scientific arguments.

I hope that I can find the courage and conviction to stop the labeling, to refuse to be coerced into “they and them” narratives, to be strong in the face of bullying tactics, to be calm in the torrent of divisive shouting matches, to be an individual who brings people together by highlighting what we have in common as opposed to weaponizing our differences. I hope that I can.

I hope that you can too.

Trite, simple, superficial statements delivered with snarky tones and eyerolls require very little effort. In the midst of a difficult, complicated conversation – it is definitely the lazy, easy way out.
While perhaps entertaining and possibly drawing a snicker or two, the smug retort meant to demean and derail does nothing to advance a thought or enrich the conversation. It does what it is intended to do, make the opposing view look stupid and “less than.”
And yet, this style of banter seen in popular opinion shows has become the model of success. From the bickering daily joust on The View to Hannity (the number one cable show), Carlson and Ingraham’s “everyone is evil but those who agree with me” shows – the underlying message is clear.
Humility, listening to learn something new, asking honest questions with an open heart, agreeing to disagree and any discourse which requires depth and intellectual honesty – will not bring you the highest ratings.
However, cut people off and tell them how they are wrong, laugh in their face and twist their words and make a snarky remark, roll your eyes repeatedly to show your disdain, constantly use the word “they” to describe anyone who doesn’t agree and you can have the number one show on cable television. Make your repeated use of the proverbial “those guys” the “bad guys” and win the nightly ratings, enflame and agitate being the name of the game.
So whose fault is this? It is 100% ours. The more we tune in the more dollars roll in. The more money a personality is able to generate, the more it reinforces the style he or she is proudly perfecting. It has always been about the mighty dollar.
The danger, as I see it, is the toxic fumes these shows are generating and we are all inhaling. While we may consider ourselves to be completely objective and our depth of character to be impenetrable – the damage is being done to our psyche, our collective soul. I witness the side effects every day when I read comments on my news feed on Facebook.
The constant undertone of tribal warfare is slowly eroding away at our civility and ability to engage in respectful differences of opinion. And the constant injection of hatred for whoever is on “the other side” is the destructive force which historically, inevitably leads to war.
We are the only ones who can change this. One by one, conversation by conversation, the responsibility for our future is up to each of us.
What are we as a society willing to tolerate? Will we hold anyone accountable for repeated exposed lies or for propagating explosive divisive conspiracy theories? Will our sheepish gullibility and insatiable appetite for churlish debate be the beginning of the end of civility?
I just can’t support it anymore. I listen for a moment to learn – when the negative tones and demeaning accusations begin to fly . . .so do I.
Thoughtfulness, love, kindness, humility, reasonability, compassion and all things lovely . . .may these things never go out of style.

This is what I am learning about human nature, belief systems and neuropsychology . When a person has his or her beliefs cemented in place with reinforcement of the emotions – objectivity and facts are no longer relevant.

When that belief involves choosing sides and being part of a team or “group think”, certain psychological make-ups will choose team over logic, facts and data every time. When people are in the clutches of such mental strongholds and shown facts which dispute their belief on any particular topic, they will display a flight or fight response. Emotions will triumph over logic or reason and “truth” becomes an actual adversary which must be repudiated at all costs.

This ability to suspend logic and go with “what one feels to be true” is why there are flat earthers, science deniers and political or religious cultic beliefs based in conspiracy not actual facts. When study participants are asked why they hold to a particular belief even when they are shown facts to the contrary, they simply reply, “because that is just how I feel about it.”

This my dear friends is where we are today. Those who believe the moon landing was a hoax or Obama is actually a Muslim born in Africa or that our own government planted explosives underneath the World Trade Center to help bring it down . . . can vote for our leaders or actually become President of the United States.

Lovers and seekers of truth, facts, logical reasoning, objectivity and science must stand strong and not grow weary. While it can be exhausting when truth is under assault every day, we must resist apathy and complacency. It is so tempting to want to tune out and get away from it all for self-protection, peace and sanity. And I totally understand that choice. But for some reason, I find myself compelled to stay in there and reach for higher ground.

These days, what brings me peace is knowing that there are more of us who value facts and truth over myths and beliefs. At least, that is what I am telling myself. And at that twist of irony, I will choose to lol.

“Why do you love Trump?” I asked my Christian friend. “Because he says it like it is, doesn’t care what anyone thinks” she said. “But you hate Obama, can you tell me why,” I ask, trying to get clarity. “Because Obama, in my opinion, was a snake, saying one thing but secretly believing something else,” she admits.

Hmmm. At that moment I realize I have nowhere to go. The belief is set in the psyche, hardwired and backed up with emotions. But why?

So, I muse.

He declared with his mouth that Jesus Christ was his savior. But some believers who share that same faith – said he was lying and that his declaration of faith was a “ruse” to cover the fact that he was “secretly” a Muslim hell bent on destroying our country and ushering in Sharia law and taking away everyone’s guns.

We’re still here – fully armed – he’s still a Christian, living in faith and loving his family and praying for America.

I watched as he stood up in front of a church in mourning in South Carolina and slowly, with deep emotion began to sing Amazing Grace – some Christians watched and believed he was “acting” and again pronounced that our president was a Muslim and some went so far as to call him the anti-Christ.

We’re still here – Armageddon not yet – and if he is the anti-Christ he must be waiting for a more suitable power appointment than leader of the free world to declare his reign.

A few months ago – on my very own newsfeed – an acquaintance shared a meme filled with so much vile hatred, it shot an arrow of pain through my heart. It read – good riddance to these two despicable people – showing a picture of the Obamas boarding Marine One. The very first comment underneath – a person said he hoped they would hang from a tree. This broke my heart and literally made me sick to my stomach. It is something I will never understand.

On Inauguration Day, we were here – watching him greet the new president and first lady with graciousness and warmth, kissing his wife’s hand as they took their seats and extending a hug and kiss to Senator Dole and his wife. (still acting?)

Still feel hate for him and believe he is not a Christian?

HERE are President Obama’s ACTUAL WORDS from the National Prayer breakfast from Feb. 2016 – he wasn’t reading – he was speaking from his heart. (his speech is available on YouTube)

“For me, and I know for so many of you, faith is a great cure for fear,” he said. “Jesus is a good cure for fear.” “Like every president, like every leader, like every person, I’ve known fear,” Obama said.
“But my faith tells me that I need not fear death, that acceptance of Christ promises everlasting life and the washing away of sins.”
“I pray that our leaders will always act with humility and generosity,” he said.

AND TODAY – I read on a Christian pastor’s FB page – Trump has brought God back into the White House. Apparently insinuating that God took leave for 8 years, was nowhere to be found because that is God’s habit to abandon those who are praying for wisdom and guidance.

AND . . .don’t get me wrong . . .I am hoping God has Trump’s back as I have always prayed for all our Presidents.

So what are we to do? Where do we go from here? What motivates someone to want to believe in hidden deviance? How did we get to this point where voting your conscience and coming together as a people is booed? Why are folks who quote the bible and call themselves Christians filled with so much hatred for a man who has only spoken words of unity and faith and displayed actions of compassion, calm, love for his wife and family and country, for babies, children, furry friends . . etc. who ends every speech even after singing Happy Birthday to his daughter with “God Bless America”. And yet – so many people HATE who he was, who he is, as some have told me . . . the very sight of him. But when I ask why? I get . . .I don’t know . . .I just do. . .or even better “because he hates America”.

These are puzzle pieces I’m convinced I will never be able to connect. I am slowly coming to the realization that WE BELIEVE what we WANT to believe. WE HEAR what we want to hear . . .WE SHUT OUT what we don’t want to see and if we believe that the government was behind 9/11 . . .that man never walked on the moon . . .that Obama was born in Africa and is secretly a Muslim . . .that the illuminati controls powerful people behind the scenes in a hidden dark room somewhere deep in the inner recesses of Washington and no CIA agent or crazy reporter has ever wanted to expose it . . .

I digress.

We’re still here. A nation of immigrants, of many faiths and beliefs, diversity of opinions and experiences, cultures and truths.

Praying that we continue to cling to HOPE, LOVE and believe in the goodness of one another and that we the people always, always LOOK for the positive until someone gives us a reason to believe otherwise.

And in the meantime – I will continue to feel only gratitude for our first African American President and his lovely wife – for serving our country with class, dignity, integrity, graciousness, eloquence and most definitely love.

 

 

 

If one’s first IMPULSE after seeing black NFL football players kneel in protest is MORAL OUTRAGE and one’s first response is to take ACTION by boycotting the NFL because these “spoiled, affluent, disrespectful” athletes dare to use their platform to express their pain and show “disrespect for our flag”
BUT . . .
after SEEING teenagers running for their lives with their hands in the air and then HEARING that 15 kids and 2 teachers were slaughtered by a young, very disturbed man brandishing an AR-15 military style weapon and one’s first IMPULSE is NOT moral outrage over the easy access and availability of these weapons but DEFENSIVE POSTURING and FINGER POINTING to point the blame to everything and everyone else but the fact that every mass shooter uses this type of weapon . . .
AND . . .
then one’s first response is to take ACTION by going out and buying every gun one can afford because of FEAR that one’s very own beloved United States of America government . . .that country we so LOVE . . .that very same one represented by that very same flag we so revere that it motivates one to boycott sports . . .so viscerally scared that THIS AMERICA is going to suddenly revolt and come after us and take away our second amendment rights and the military men who die for the right for us to defend ourselves are suddenly going to turn into apocalyptic mindless robots and break down the doors of our homes and confiscate our guns . . .
Then I agree!
We don’t just have a gun problem, we have a MENTAL ILLNESS problem.
If the voice of deep seeded FEAR and PARANOIA is always there to shout down the voice of REASON and COMMON SENSE . . .
Then I agree!
We have a CULTURE problem. We have those who propagate a culture of paranoia, who peddle in fear and conspiracy theories . . .FEAR of the media, the left-wing liberal’s evil agenda and the empirical and ever illusive “they” as spoken by Wayne LaPierre of the NRA . . .
“If they seize power … our American freedoms could be lost and our country will be changed forever,” he said. “The first to go will be the Second Amendment.”
Question: What is the cause of mass shootings in America?
A. It’s a Mental Illness problem
B. It’s a Culture of Violence problem
C. It’s an Easy Access to Automatic Weapons problem
D. ALL OF THE ABOVE
The answer of course is D. and until we ALL ARE WILLING to admit that it is complicated and begin to discuss it without pointing blame across the aisle . . .
sadly, we will continue to be first in the world in annual mass shootings. And that is definitely not winning.

We live in a time when LOGIC is easily suspended, FACTS (which aren’t convenient) are countered with alternative facts, the voice of REASON is shouted down when it doesn’t fit the narrative, OBJECTIVITY is rejected and INDEPENDENT thinking is now labeled “elitist”.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2TrXxSlvFo

Why? How did we get here? When did we become so INTOLERANT of a different point of view and the freedom and right to express it? Why such hatred, disdain and loathing for all things “not like me”?
It is because Americans have become TRIBAL.
TRIBALISM is winning and definitely not making anything “great again” other than the spirit that fuels it. It is driven by the extremists on both sides of the fence and demands you take sides. And when allegiance to a tribe is revered above all – our capacity to listen to one another with an open honest mind and heart is greatly diminished.
There is no middle ground, no compromise, no ability to serve the greater good with the higher goal of uplifting all of humanity.
Tribalism demands loyalty, blind trust, complete and utter adherence to whatever the tribe declares the truth to be. If you dare to STAND up for what you believe in, even if you have been a loyal, lifelong, faithful member of the tribe – you are at risk of being labeled a traitor to the cause. You are the enemy and must be excommunicated.
Where are the REASONABLE minds that MUST prevail? Where is the love your neighbor as yourself mentality? Where is the “judge not lest ye be judged” idealism? Where is “America the Beautiful” inspiration? Where is the “ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country” spirit of patriotism?
Finally, where is common DECENCY?
If democracy is going to survive, we are going to have to find it again and place more VALUE on the beauty of our UNION than the DEVOTION to our chosen tribe.
LOVE must win again. HOPE must prevail. LIGHT must overcome the darkness. And all of it begins with me and you.

Do you continually fall for the same type of guy? You know, that really hot guy who “had you at hello” . . .the very one who suddenly quit texting you after several romantic nights together and left you crying in your Cosmo while your loyal girlfriends rallied to  your side and assured you he was indeed a total a-hole . . . Hold on! Before you succumb to the belief that “all men are pigs” and there is not one good one left . . .relax, take a deep breath and hit the reset button. You don’t have to give up on the whole male population but you may have to readjust your radar.

Here’s the Deal . . .

Assumption: You are a healthy, single, heterosexual woman. Therefore, it is no surprise you may have fallen for a few Prince Charming’s in your life – only to find out you lost your heart to Sir Suxalot yet again! And yes, it really does suck a lot. Because you, like every other chick-flick loving female, have had an image of the perfect man embedded in your brain since you hooked-up Barbie and Ken, danced around in your princess dress and pretended you were Ariel…or Jasmine or…I think you get the point. The quest to find Mr. Right, fall in love and live happily ever after is, after all, part of your DNA. “Someday, my prince will come….”  Thank you Walt Disney!

Unfortunately, boys didn’t get the same memo. While you were all rainbows and unicorns, he was all match box cars, transformers and plastic green army men. With GI Joe in hand, he made rude sounds and shot bad guys while he rolled around in the blood and the guts and the….stuff. That is until his Spring Awakening – the very moment when his voice got lower and your chest got bigger. One sight of your newly acquired assets…with zero remorse, GI Joe and his brave men got heartlessly kicked to the curb (long after you had carefully, lovingly stored your Barbie dolls away for you future daughter). At this very same time  a new discovery of a much cooler toy, completely assembled and permanently within hand’s reach – was all the “playtime” he needed. Like you, he began to live in a fantasy world. Unlike you, his head was only filled with one image playing over and over again 24/7 pretty much for the rest of his existence. Thank you testosterone!

Here’s the 411 . . .

Despite what you have told yourself, all the “good ones” are NOT taken. There are plenty of awesome guys out there who are both manly and sensitive to a woman’s needs, handsome but yet naively humble, gracious but intuitively strong, funny yet possessing depth, etc.  The problem is you may not readily see them because your “good guy radar” is short circuited by what you think is your ideal type – which turns out may not be so ideal. Thank you Hollywood!

So how do you go about changing your Sir Suxalot attraction? Firstly, you must identify what it is that you repeatedly and of course, naturally go for? Obviously for both sexes, initial physical chemistry plays a huge role in what attracts us to one another. Which makes infatuation such a powerful force, it can easily overpower our critical thinking and even our gut instincts when choosing to go deeper into a relationship. Somewhere between the electric charge that sweeps you off your feet and the unhappy ending are all the huge flashing, warning signs. The good news is losers will always show their true colors no matter how charming they seem in the beginning. Here are just a few signs you are heading for another train wreck:  if he starts to make you feel like your feelings don’t matter, if he controls every decision about date nights,  if he over exaggerates his accomplishments, if he is selfish with his time, if he doesn’t introduce you to his best friends, if he always walks a few steps ahead of you, etc. – you are at best falling for another jerk or even worse, a narcissist. For more signs and warnings check out his article: http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/dating-a-narcissist

In a Nutshell. . .

So let’s recap. Being a woman you are pre-wired for romance and the “feeling” of falling in love which makes you particularly susceptible to the kind of guy who seeks to manipulate your DNA for his own selfish needs. Nice guys have the same sexual wiring as the jerk dude – they are just more evolved and therefore more in touch with both their own emotional needs as well as yours.

However, according to Eric Marc Katz, dating coach and author of the highly popular Blog – Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love., there are a few things you MUST understand about men before you can have the successful relationship you are seeking. Here’s a quote from one of his recent posts.

“Men live in the moment. We look for sex and find love. Just because we think you’re attractive and we show you a good time doesn’t mean we’re actually INTERESTED. Essentially, men fall for you during the process of pursuing sex with you. Which means that if you have sex before you get into a relationship with him, you’re taking a predictably high risk that things aren’t going to work out.”

Okay, let’s assume Eric speaks for all men – even the “good guy” you are hoping to find. According to Katz, from the guy’s perspective, it’s giving up the keys to your “magic kingdom” too soon that could possibly derail the love monorail before it is even out of the station. Which makes a lot of sense because in their basest reptilian brain, sex is the goal. So, if they don’t have to spend any time to get to know you to achieve that goal, they will indeed take what you are offering and move on to the next more intriguing conquest. However, as long as you keep him at arm’s distance, so to speak, he will continue to be intrigued.

Good news! This delay of game, places the ball squarely in your court! But, before you serve up your next volley – it is imperative that you ask yourself this question: What are your non-negotiables? . . .as in “must love kids”, “must have a great sense of humor”, “must be college educated . . .etc.” Once you have fully examined your heart and mind and feel confident that you know your “must haves”, proceed with eyes wide open (with the understanding that settling for less will most likely lead to future disappointment).  Only when and if he passes your non-negotiables challenge should you allow him to move on to the next round of the ever crucial “ideal mate” vetting process – which includes passing the girlfriend test, your guy friend’s test, the pet test, the baby test, etc.

So, there you have it! The truth about the ideal “Man of Your Dreams” and the actual real man who will finally possess your heart, ultimately comes down to the potent combination of 1) gaining a deep understanding of the male species and  2) truly knowing yourself and what qualities you are seeking in a man.  Just like thunder naturally follows a lightning strike – rest assured your “good guy radar” will fully kick in once you have learned to value yourself and treasure your most sought after prized possession more than you do the instant gratification of wielding its mystical power over another unevolved man.

Now that you are aware of the mating habits of the Neanderthal and can easily spot him in  his natural habitat – the unequivocal potency of your strength and confidence will act as a strong repellent to his type. Simultaneously, the fog will lift and the good guys will come into view. You will know him – he’s the guy you didn’t see immediately, but he saw you and waited for the perfect moment to approach. He’s the guy who is intrigued by your smile, your laugh, the way you hold your glass . . .he is the guy who is willing to wait for all the rest in order to discover your intellect, your heart, your inner beauty, while being completely intoxicated by your outer beauty. He is the one your dog, your mom, your girlfriends, your friend’s baby and everyone else who has your back will naturally love – for one reason – he will value the same qualities about you as they do!