Do you continually fall for the same type of guy? You know, that really hot guy who “had you at hello” . . .the very one who suddenly quit texting you after several romantic nights together and left you crying in your Cosmo while your loyal girlfriends rallied to your side and assured you he was indeed a total a-hole . . . Hold on! Before you succumb to the belief that “all men are pigs” and there is not one good one left . . .relax, take a deep breath and hit the reset button. You don’t have to give up on the whole male population but you may have to readjust your radar.
Here’s the Deal . . .
Assumption: You are a healthy, single, heterosexual woman. Therefore, it is no surprise you may have fallen for a few Prince Charming’s in your life – only to find out you lost your heart to Sir Suxalot yet again! And yes, it really does suck a lot. Because you, like every other chick-flick loving female, have had an image of the perfect man embedded in your brain since you hooked-up Barbie and Ken, danced around in your princess dress and pretended you were Ariel…or Jasmine or…I think you get the point. The quest to find Mr. Right, fall in love and live happily ever after is, after all, part of your DNA. “Someday, my prince will come….” Thank you Walt Disney!
Unfortunately, boys didn’t get the same memo. While you were all rainbows and unicorns, he was all match box cars, transformers and plastic green army men. With GI Joe in hand, he made rude sounds and shot bad guys while he rolled around in the blood and the guts and the….stuff. That is until his Spring Awakening – the very moment when his voice got lower and your chest got bigger. One sight of your newly acquired assets…with zero remorse, GI Joe and his brave men got heartlessly kicked to the curb (long after you had carefully, lovingly stored your Barbie dolls away for you future daughter). At this very same time a new discovery of a much cooler toy, completely assembled and permanently within hand’s reach – was all the “playtime” he needed. Like you, he began to live in a fantasy world. Unlike you, his head was only filled with one image playing over and over again 24/7 pretty much for the rest of his existence. Thank you testosterone!
Here’s the 411 . . .
Despite what you have told yourself, all the “good ones” are NOT taken. There are plenty of awesome guys out there who are both manly and sensitive to a woman’s needs, handsome but yet naively humble, gracious but intuitively strong, funny yet possessing depth, etc. The problem is you may not readily see them because your “good guy radar” is short circuited by what you think is your ideal type – which turns out may not be so ideal. Thank you Hollywood!
So how do you go about changing your Sir Suxalot attraction? Firstly, you must identify what it is that you repeatedly and of course, naturally go for? Obviously for both sexes, initial physical chemistry plays a huge role in what attracts us to one another. Which makes infatuation such a powerful force, it can easily overpower our critical thinking and even our gut instincts when choosing to go deeper into a relationship. Somewhere between the electric charge that sweeps you off your feet and the unhappy ending are all the huge flashing, warning signs. The good news is losers will always show their true colors no matter how charming they seem in the beginning. Here are just a few signs you are heading for another train wreck: if he starts to make you feel like your feelings don’t matter, if he controls every decision about date nights, if he over exaggerates his accomplishments, if he is selfish with his time, if he doesn’t introduce you to his best friends, if he always walks a few steps ahead of you, etc. – you are at best falling for another jerk or even worse, a narcissist. For more signs and warnings check out his article: http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/dating-a-narcissist
In a Nutshell. . .
So let’s recap. Being a woman you are pre-wired for romance and the “feeling” of falling in love which makes you particularly susceptible to the kind of guy who seeks to manipulate your DNA for his own selfish needs. Nice guys have the same sexual wiring as the jerk dude – they are just more evolved and therefore more in touch with both their own emotional needs as well as yours.
However, according to Eric Marc Katz, dating coach and author of the highly popular Blog – Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love., there are a few things you MUST understand about men before you can have the successful relationship you are seeking. Here’s a quote from one of his recent posts.
“Men live in the moment. We look for sex and find love. Just because we think you’re attractive and we show you a good time doesn’t mean we’re actually INTERESTED. Essentially, men fall for you during the process of pursuing sex with you. Which means that if you have sex before you get into a relationship with him, you’re taking a predictably high risk that things aren’t going to work out.”
Okay, let’s assume Eric speaks for all men – even the “good guy” you are hoping to find. According to Katz, from the guy’s perspective, it’s giving up the keys to your “magic kingdom” too soon that could possibly derail the love monorail before it is even out of the station. Which makes a lot of sense because in their basest reptilian brain, sex is the goal. So, if they don’t have to spend any time to get to know you to achieve that goal, they will indeed take what you are offering and move on to the next more intriguing conquest. However, as long as you keep him at arm’s distance, so to speak, he will continue to be intrigued.
Good news! This delay of game, places the ball squarely in your court! But, before you serve up your next volley – it is imperative that you ask yourself this question: What are your non-negotiables? . . .as in “must love kids”, “must have a great sense of humor”, “must be college educated . . .etc.” Once you have fully examined your heart and mind and feel confident that you know your “must haves”, proceed with eyes wide open (with the understanding that settling for less will most likely lead to future disappointment). Only when and if he passes your non-negotiables challenge should you allow him to move on to the next round of the ever crucial “ideal mate” vetting process – which includes passing the girlfriend test, your guy friend’s test, the pet test, the baby test, etc.
So, there you have it! The truth about the ideal “Man of Your Dreams” and the actual real man who will finally possess your heart, ultimately comes down to the potent combination of 1) gaining a deep understanding of the male species and 2) truly knowing yourself and what qualities you are seeking in a man. Just like thunder naturally follows a lightning strike – rest assured your “good guy radar” will fully kick in once you have learned to value yourself and treasure your most sought after prized possession more than you do the instant gratification of wielding its mystical power over another unevolved man.
Now that you are aware of the mating habits of the Neanderthal and can easily spot him in his natural habitat – the unequivocal potency of your strength and confidence will act as a strong repellent to his type. Simultaneously, the fog will lift and the good guys will come into view. You will know him – he’s the guy you didn’t see immediately, but he saw you and waited for the perfect moment to approach. He’s the guy who is intrigued by your smile, your laugh, the way you hold your glass . . .he is the guy who is willing to wait for all the rest in order to discover your intellect, your heart, your inner beauty, while being completely intoxicated by your outer beauty. He is the one your dog, your mom, your girlfriends, your friend’s baby and everyone else who has your back will naturally love – for one reason – he will value the same qualities about you as they do!