Perhaps there is no better environment than that of a presidential election year to spark debate, highlight diversity of opinion and emphasize how people can watch and listen to the same conversation and walk away with completely different takes. After watching the second debate, followed by flipping back and forth between CNN and FOX news, perusing the sometimes anger-filled posts on Facebook, eavesdropping on people’s conversations in restaurants and having many conversations of my own, a huge question arose during “morning coffee talk time” with my husband (one of our favorite new soul-exploration rituals).

Question ? ?

So, why is it that we humans often have a rise in blood pressure, turn red in the face and have our emotional state get so riled – even to the point of anger – over someone else simply having a different opinion than ours? What is that? I asked this because I realized over the last year, I had observed this type of reaction over and over again around me, while at the same time, I became surprisingly aware that there was a quiet calm inside of me..a non-reaction, if you will, that I really didn’t understand. In the past, I could feel my temperature rise and my “blood boil” so to speak, when just listening to a Sunday morning panel on CNN. But suddenly for the first time in my 53 years on the planet, I felt like, in certain moments of awareness, I could discuss any topic with anyone without feeling threatened, anxious or defiant. Weird, but incredibly freeing. (By the way, let me be clear, I am only referring to situations where different opinions are being expressed – not when someone is being completely disrespectful, rude or degrading…obviously there are times when measured reactions are warranted.) How did that happen? Kev pointed out that for quite some time we had actually been watching certain news shows for the sole (and soul) purpose of making ourselves uncomfortable. If Michael Moore or Donald Trump, or anyone who saw things way differently than we do,  was on a rant on CNN and my finger was itching to quickly change the channel…we both would say, “NO”…let’s do this! So, we purposely chose to go against our grain…over and over again.

This was a HUGE change from our habits of only a couple of years ago, when we listened only to those talking heads who mainly agreed with our ideology and underscored our way of thinking. Kev said it was like taking sandpaper to the soul…But, even though we had both been exercising ourselves in this manner, we still did not have a good answer for this question. WHY? Why do some people literally hate every word that comes out of Obama’s mouth and the same held true when Bush was in office. I did not understand it then and I don’t now. So again, I ask .. .

 Why is it so difficult to find balanced opinions and insightful, enlightened observations…but very easy to observe venomous, emotionally charged visceral reactions in the political and religious arena? These type of intellectual shouting matches daily bombard newscasts and radio talk shows – complete with name calling and demeaning “you’re such a moron” implications. So why so much bombastic bloviating versus gracious listening seasoned with rational, educated responses?

As I stated in my last blog post “Reflections and Revelations”, the pursuit of intellectual honesty has led me to a place of self-discovery which has resulted in new found freedom and a deeper sense of peace. Which is what I attributed to this welcomed state of not getting riled when others disagreed with me or vice versa. But there is something more…much deeper and more profound.

I posed the same question I have asked here, to an entire class full of women last week. After the class, one of my students told me I needed to read “A New Earth” Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose by Eckhart Tolle.  I immediately went out and bought it. Like reading “The Road Less Traveled” for the first time, every word and paragraph jumps off the page and solidifies what I have been experiencing in the last few years. Within just a few chapters, Tolle addresses the very issue in detail that I had been asking myself, my spouse and my friends. Let me share with you . . .

“There is nothing that strengthens the ego more than being right. Being right is identification with a mental position-a perspective, an opinion a judgment, a story. For you to be right, of course, you need someone else to be wrong, and so the ego loves to make wrong in order to be right. In other words: You need to make others wrong in order to get a stronger sense of who you are. Being right places you in a position of imagined moral superiority in relation to the person who is being judged or found wanting.”

Ahh, now we’re getting somewhere.

“Every ego confuses opinions and viewpoints with fact. Every ego is a master of selective perception and distorted interpretation. Only through awareness-not through thinking-can you differentiate between fact and opinion.” Beyond the realm of simple and verifiable facts, the certainty that “I am right and you are wrong” is a dangerous thing in personal relationships as well as in interactions between nations, tribes, religions and so on.

 …once you identify the ego for what it is: a collective dysfunction, the insanity of the human mind . . .you no longer misperceive it as somebody’s identity. Once you see the ego for what it is, it becomes much easier to remain nonreactive toward it. You don’t take it personally anymore. There is no complaining, blaming, accusing, or making wrong. . .compassion arises when you recognize that all are suffering from the same sickness of the mind, some more acutely than others. You do not fuel the drama anymore that is a part of all egoic relationships. What is its fuel? REACTIVITY! The ego thrives on it.

And WOW… discovery and enlightenment, and a few more layers of the onion are peeled back. All of this makes so much sense to me. Little by little, situation by situation, unknowingly it seems I have slowly been separating “who I am” from “what I think”. Therefore, when I am in that state of clarity, I am not threatened by your opinions – in fact, I love to hear them, especially if they are different from mine because it is just another opportunity for me to expand myself. It is an exercise I must do if I am going to truly serve and love those I am so connected with. If I truly care about you, and want to love you, I must find a way to enter in to where you are . . .ego plays no part in this type of interaction. It wasn’t very long ago I would have labeled myself a certain way (politically and religious beliefs) – which upon definition may close me off from spiritual connection with those who view the world differently. Today? The only label I can come up with is explorationist. Which apparently is a new word . . .how fitting!

For several months now, I’ve been desiring to get back to my blog. It wasn’t so much that I lost the inspiration to write, it was more about other endeavors getting in the way. So, here in the last few hours of 2012, I have decided it would be a good time to express my thoughts and hopefully inspire moments of reflections and revelations.

REFLECTIONS

Like most of you, my year was filled with a mixture of blessings, sorrows and celebrations. I derived much joy from my daily interactions with the wonderful people who take my exercise classes or have me as a personal trainer. Getting to help others stay fit and healthy while at the same time strengthening my own body is a privilege I greatly treasure. I am surrounded by amazing, strong, inspirational women! This year, I was able to share my passion for exercise with the release of my new Ballean DVD. The response has been equally overwhelming and humbling. Definitely a check in the blessing category!

In August, my husband and I tearfully said goodbye to our oldest child Joel, who moved to Austin. While we were both so excited for his new adventures in Texas, we were sad for ourselves and the simple joys we would miss – hanging out with him on the deck on Sundays…or just meeting him uptown for lunch…or stopping in for a drink when he was bartending at Aria. Our times with Joel are always filled with stimulating conversation, plenty of laughter and lots of hugs. I think I miss the hugs the most.

My daughter Kara and her husband Shaun celebrated one year of marriage, while we celebrated 32. Interestingly enough, we still work as hard on our relationship now as we did that first year. The cool thing is after many conversations with our daughter over the last year, it has become very clear she is WAY ahead of the game than we were in that first year. So excited for them and the journey they have chosen to take together…like me, she married her best friend and the love of her life, who can sometimes be a pain in the ass but who makes her laugh her butt off every day!  In my opinion, probably as good as it gets.

REVELATIONS

Alas, this  year of apocalyptic prophesies has been filled with many “revelations” for me.  As you know if you interact with me or read my blog, I am constantly evaluating the human condition, my own life and the world around me. One lifelong goal that I share with my spouse, and probably many of you,  is to always be evolving as a human being. For me that translates into examining my internal maps and filters, my fears and phobias and all that makes me tick. It is a daunting task that requires intellectual honesty and the ability to take personal responsibility for my current state of being…spiritual, emotional and physical.

Unshackled and unfettered. . .the truth shall set you free! In the glorious year of 2012, I made a wonderful discovery. Upon taking a very deep look into myself – my thoughts…motivations…desire to seek truth and the meaning of life – I came to a place called “honesty”. In this place, there is no room for self-deception, fairy tales,  victimization and blame. I am who I am at this point in life because of the daily choices I have made. Ahhh…the sweet feeling of chains falling off my soul. The sound was so loud and triumphant, I was sure all the neighbors could hear them clanging on my hardwood floors.

SPIRITUALLY -What do I really know? In relation to the mysteries and enormity of the universe…not a whole hell of a lot. As far as my soul goes, when I am serving others…I am the most peaceful, content and fulfilled.  EMOTIONALLY -What do I value? Personal relationships more than stuff and the feeling that I am valued and respected especially by my spouse. PHYSICALLY – Why did I suddenly find myself 15 pounds heavier on the scale? This one took a little more time…I so wanted to blame it on hormones, menopause…anything DOC please? But NO…the truth was I was eating more calories, especially carbs, than I was burning off. The scale offers a real fun dance with reality – kind of hard to lie to yourself when you are “butt naked” staring down at a number that defies your driver’s license stats. And the truth shall set you free…of about 15 pounds of excess baggage in my case.

So, here I am writing my blog and once again examining and baring my soul in hopes to not only enlighten myself but also with the deepest hope and desire that through my explorations, you might be inspired to find yourself as well.

I am looking forward to all your comments, questions and suggestions in 2013.

Happy New Year…LuvYa!! 

Insomnia Induced Epiphany

From a very young age, I was extremely scared of the dark. . .even in the middle of the day. My dad left a vacant spot in my mom’s king size bed when I was only five years old. I quickly claimed dibs on sleeping in the big bed by my newly divorced mom’s side. No need to face the monsters under my bed or the boogeyman hiding in the closet, I got to sleep safe and sound, snuggled up close to my mother. Perhaps this is when my struggle with aloneness began.

In my teen years, my mom worked full-time not getting home until after 5:00.  My school was just a few blocks away from our little two bedroom house. I would take my time walking home because every step brought me closer to the empty house that I would have to enter. By the time my hand would reach the “never-locked” door knob, my heart would be pounding so hard I could barely breath. My rational mind would buckle under the weight of my deepest fears. Many times, I would just sit on the front porch and wait because I was too scared to go inside in the middle of the day by myself. Aloneness, for me,  was a lonely isolated island filled with scarey predators, darkness and extreme anxiety.

My senior year of high school, my mother was diagnosed with bone cancer. After surgery to remove her cancer-feeding ovaries, she required full-time care and went to live with my sister in a different city. Suddenly, I was all alone in our apartment, in a city where I had no family. I had no choice but to abruptly face my fears. It is this part of my journey that remains most prominent in my psyche. Many nights, I fell asleep with the T.V. turned on – Johnny Carson, Joan Rivers and guests, my late night companions. 3:00 a.m. I would wake up  to the frozen Indian face staring at me accompanied by an irritating noise piercing my dreams. All programming was over – no cable, no remote, only three main channels. “Aloneness” during this time of my life, resembled a deserted island…I felt abandoned with no rescue in sight. Staring out the window was my perch, my guitar was my solace and favorite distraction from the depths of my loneliness. It is then, I began an ongoing internal dialogue with God.

Soon after my mom passed away, I got married. My aloneness, quickly replaced with domestic activities, in-laws and very close neighbors who I could reach out and touch. Not long after that, I had my son to hold in the quiet moments. Aloneness became the blissful moments in the quiet of the night highlighted by my newborn son nursing with his tiny hand gripped tightly around my finger. Fears of being all alone, a distant memory from my past life. A few years later, another child, a new city and my husband traveling around the world led to yet another phase of my exploration of aloneness. Yes, I was alone in my bed for nights on end in those days. But my children were sleeping across the hall, so fear no longer colored my quiet moments, and complete mother-fatigue left little time for deep contemplation.

Now, here I am. My children’s bedrooms are lifeless shells which hold their favorite photos, yearbooks and accolades. Once again, on the occasion my husband has to travel (which is much less these days) I am left to discover where and who I am in my aloneness evolution. Maturity and life experience has squelched my fears (as well as a trusty alarm system), loneliness is no longer a pain in my soul – what remains is my ongoing inner dialogue with the creator, which of course are just my own musings taking place in my finite brain. I ask a lot of questions in the quiet moments. I retrace my spiritual journey in my mind seeking to understand the meaning of it all. Questions…not so many  answers.

This journey of aloneness has taken me from trying to escape it at all costs, to actually embracing the moments where I am left with my own thoughts to explore self, soul and spirit. Once a remote frightening island, “aloneness” is now my oasis of calm, where the skies get ever clearer and peace can find my soul.